For years now Josiah and I have done our Christmas shopping together at crazy, overcrowded malls and had a blast laughing our way through the madness. But this year was different. I got most of it done ahead of time, and even simplified gift giving in general as best I could. You’d think this would improve the season, but I’ve missed that madness a bit this year. But I’m just too tired for it this go around.
See, I’ve been feeling a little overwhelmed by the uncertainty of my life right now. So much of my life hasn’t gone how I have planned. And though I’m really grateful for the many blessings in my life, it doesn’t change the fact that I don’t quite know what to make if this altered path.
I’m looking at this weird chronic disease thing that is my Endometriosis, the painful reality of my barrenness, and the rocky climb that is ahead in both those departments. I’m also dealing with altered work paths, altered home locale, and new tasks set before me in regards to both.
It’s not all bad. But it is all tiring. For now, at least. I know one day, due to the way time seems to pass when you’re in the thick of the daily grind, I’ll be looking over my shoulder at the trail behind me and think to myself, “That went by quicker than I thought.” But I think what gets me is this fear that I won’t enjoy that journey. I’m afraid of what it might entail, the steep cliffs and dark shadows I might have to traverse scare me. Maybe this is just fear of the unknown. Either way I find myself apprehensive all around.
I want to ask someone what I’m to do, “someone” being some kind of mega life sage that will give me all the answers. But that answer genie doesn’t exist. I think the only thing to do is to just keep going.
This reminds me of that epic Winston Churchill quote: “If you’re going through hell keep going.”
I’m not going through hell. But sometimes I have moments that feel like it. And what I’m learning is, there’s no quick fix option for tough life stuff. You’ve just got to endure and fight and sometimes simply survive those things as best you can.
And right now survival and endurance on my part require a simpler holiday season. And I’m ok with that.
Love to you,
-Sweater (here) — Rails
-Jacket (similar option here) — Blank NYC
-Jeans (here) — McGuire
-Booties (similar option here) — Halogen
-Bag (here) — From St. Xavier